thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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