i jhust puked up my retainher.
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
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