he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
