I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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