Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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