Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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