i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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