we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
