I showed him my bush... on skype.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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