Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
