I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
