So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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