I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
