Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
