Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
