On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Randomize
