i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
