We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
