what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
