Where are you?
In a non slutty way
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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