Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
