I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
