I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
