Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
