Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
