dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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