What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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