those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
