There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
