I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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