i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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