Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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