I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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