My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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