Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
