She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
