all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
