I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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