Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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