Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
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