I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
