I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
