Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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