im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
