My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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