I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
