If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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