You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
