Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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