he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
