Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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