drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
