Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
