Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Sext me about skeletons
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
