Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
