you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
